I'm a talker...

Apparently, I'm a talker. I talk about things to no end. It's therapy for me, I get to vocalize what's going on in my head and work it out. usually this needs a listener. Somebody to bounce the conversation back to me and help me process things. Somebody to fight certain points, rearrange certain words, give different prespectives, etc. That's what a good conversation should be.

But what about when you talk about something that shouldn't be talked about? What about when you talk about things that are secret?

Being a talker, I need to talk about things sometimes. I need to talk about secrets. So I usually share them with people that are so far distanced from the situation that it doesn't matter. Who cares if a friend in Kansas from college knows about the girl I work with in Nashville? Who cares if a friend in Africa hears the drama that is happening in Memphis? I mean come on... what does it really matter? What's the worst that can happen, right?

But what if those people aren't around? What if I have to talk to somebody close to the situation. Well, basically i'm fucked.

that happened this past weekend. I talked to somebody I shouldn't have. And it ruined a lot of things for me. I was in a situation where I was hurt and looking for a friend immediately to talk to, and then went to the wrong one. It was like Lindsey Lohan in Mean girls... Word Vomit. Just everything about everything came out. I was telling things that I never should have told.

of course, this gets out. Now I'm really fucked. That's where I am today... But we'll talk about it later.

turning points

So every now and then comes a big turning point in life. and I mean BIG. Things like deciding what college to go to, what job to take, and when to leave a job for a better job, or no job at all.

Sometimes the planets align and everything builds up to a point in time, and you can feel it coming. and know that nothing you do is going to change something from happening. But you don't totally know what that something is...

That's where I'm at right now.

For 5 years since college I've watched my best relationship fall apart, my parents get divorced, my little brother become a semi-pro swing dancer... and be straight. I've also gone through 12 different jobs... at least. I might not even remember all of them. In 5 years, I've gone through 12 jobs... wow. that kinda sucks.

But everything of the last 5 years seems to be closing this month. I've had a good steady job for a year and a half. I've come to terms with my parents divorce and new family situation. I've supported my brother in his choices, and become jealous of his success (and amazed he's still straight...). And I've reached a point where I can talk to my ex like a normal person and we get along, even when talking about her relationship and my lack there-of. I've finally reached a stable point in life that I can be happy about who I am and what I'm doing.

So of course it all has to change right?

Two months ago, my boss/dad came to me and suggested that I'd be happier at another job... and he was right. I would be happier. So I put in the applications for internships and jobs that I knew I would love working. And all of them seemed to start on July 1.

So in the month of June I have been to Bonnaroo already, which was great. But I saw it the whole time as the start of the end. It was one weekend vacation to get away and come back ready for change.

Change came the first day back, when my pay was cut 20% because the company was starting to lose money because of client loss, not my fault... totally. I can't help but think that my salary doesn't help the situation. And as the son of the boss, and the newest employee, and the first new employee he's hired in 13 years, suddenly there's a weird situation brewing.

Before hearing about this pay cut, I was very hopeful about one of the applications I sent out being answered with a job. So far... nothing. So I had this cosmic plan that I would go to Bonnaroo, then come back and get a job. But instead, I went to Bonnaroo, came back, and am losing my current job faster than I thought.

So here I am... waiting for the applications to come back and tell me I'm hired, or to get lost. Meanwhile my dad's company is failing, and I want to do what I can to help him out.

This is also my birthday month (birthday is next week) and so the party at the end of the month is perfect timing for me to have a big birthday/going away party since the jobs I applied for are all in other locations. Now it suddenly becomes just a birthday party.

Everything had lined up to make June 2010 a month that I would remember for the rest of my life as a HUGE turning point for me. Big vacation weekend to start it off, then finding a new job in my passion that would cause me to move out on my own, then turning 27 and accepting the fact that I'm now in my late 20s and not my mid 20s, then a big party to say bye to everybody, and then move for my new job. The planets could not have aligned any better for me.

and now I'm not sure what the hell is going to happen... But its still a turning point, because something has to happen. Too much has built up to this month for something not to happen.

Even if I have to make it happen, I will.

Its not a rant... which is weird.

A couple of friends got engaged this weekend, and for the first time that I can remember... I think I was the most excited one. I honestly couldn't be happier for them. I've known them each for almost 12 years now, and we've all been friends since day one.

I've had good friends get married before, and weddings where it was two good friends getting married to each other... but this one is different somehow. I'm not sure why it is yet, but it is. It feels different. It feels like this is the first one that feels right and isn't happening too young, or to fast, or with some other extenuating circumstances floating around. Nobody's pregnant, nobody's running away from something else, nobody is getting married too soon in life. This it the first one that make sense.

And i'm happy for them.

I think I have a problem...

So I swear I have ADD. Maybe I have an unstoppable interest in all new things, and just continually find newer and more exciting things than the last... but let's be honest. Call a spade a spade. I'm a self-diagnosed ADD retard.

And whats better, I'm proud of it.

I could talk about anything, write about anything, drink anything, eat anything, do anything... or at least I'll try it. Why not? What does it matter? I'm gaining experience for the rest of life. I'm learning lessons from different angles and experiencing things in different places. These are things that only handfuls of people can say. Lived in 3 different states, all on your own? Drove across the country with a busted transmission? Heard stories from war vets of World War II, Vietnam, Gulf War, and War on Terror? Worked 9 jobs in one year? (ok... fair enough. this wasn't much of a success, just a rough time in my life, but I still learned from it)

What has all this gotten me in the "real world"? Jack shit.

When applying for jobs, apparently something they want is this weird word: experience. Well i have boat loads of experiences, but they don't like my experiences. They like trained, conformed, follow the mold experience. That's not me, at all.

My experiences have taught me how to handle life as it comes. Stay on my feet no matter what is below them. Stand up to the things that push you down. Climb over the mountain that stands in front of you.

But not sit at a desk and be a lemming. Sorry corporate america, I apparently have a problem that's not good enough for you. And that problem is that I decided to live my life the way I wanted.

So my response: You go fit your mold, I'm gonna carve a new one.

Nashville Floods and Holding Tongues

So this past weekend, Nashville had the single worst disaster in the history of the city. And one of the worst non-hurricane disasters in United States history. 4 days later, we're still in a water crunch and are being asked to conserve... which of course, only the people who got hit seem to be doing.

In the week after the floods, I've had multiple times where water was being wasted because the people just don't seem to care. Its shocking. Nashville has been recognized by national media (finally) because of our volunteering and willingness to help our neighbors, but what the national media doesn't seem to see are the people that weren't flooded.... who still feel the need to water their flowers.

I went to dinner on Wednesday night with the rich side of the family. We went to the country club (of course) and when I got there I noticed a guy pushing a bucket around washing windows. Now tell me this... is it necessary to use water to wash the windows on a country club that wasn't affected by the flood? HELL NO. but they were. why were they? because there are enough rich people up there that weren't affected and can't stand to think of life without their washed country club windows.

I'm sorry family, but don't invite me to your dinners that are hurting my city. I'd rather be proud of my family than embarrassed.

20-something and lost.. but ok

I've come to realize that being where I am in life (26 years old, bachelor degree from a good school, job experience all over the place), its totally fine for me to be a little lost.

If you think about it, after the economy busted jobs became hard to come by. Simply look at the rising unemployment rate from the beginning of the recession until, whenever it stopped rising (if it hasn't stopped already). That fact alone makes it harder to get a job for anybody.

But what about me? I'm 26. I have no REAL career-type job experience except for the year I spent working in my dad's office. I got lunches, made copies, ran errands... all the normal stuff that an intern should do. Which I have been totally fine with. But now comes the time when he says, "well we aren't doing enough work to keep you on, but you're my son, so I'm not firing you. But you need to find a new job."

wow... thanks pops.

So here I am, 26 and basically unemployed. now I'm fighting 30+ with career experience for a job, or 20+ just out of college for an internship. And here I am, stuck in the middle. If I look for a job, i'm fighting HARD. If I look for an internship, I'm losing money which makes it harder to live since I've been on a normal salary for a year now.

basically things are gonna change no matter what. and it's time to just make the journey. but somebody famous said something at one time about how the destination is the important part, but the path could change at any moment. (or something like that... maybe I should look it up.)

anyways, i'm on my path. and i think i'm lost. But I'm ok with that.

walk on the sidewalk, drive on the street

For my first post, i'd like to vent about the absolutely idiotic people that find it intelligent to run down the side of the street, when there is a perfectly good sidewalk not 4 feet away. I don't understand you, I don't agree with you, and I generally think you're about the stupidest people in the world.

Reason #1: Safety. let's think about this for oh .00003 seconds. THERE ARE CARS ON THE STREET!!! Cars are bigger than people... except maybe the smart car, but that's a little different. You could probably jump over one of those if you tried... like Kobe did (well not really... but it still looks good). But seriously... get the fuck out of my road. I will run you over.

Reason #2: Bike Lanes. Some people like to run in the bike lane, and I can understand this to an extent. First, bikes are smaller than cars, there's no reason to be afraid of them. All you have to do is give the guy a clothes-line and you're fine. However, what if there are two bikes... or god forbid, three. You don't have 3 arms, you can't give 3 successful clothes-lines to bike riders. So don't try. instead, get the hell back onto the side-walk. I have been known to speed up while biking and aim for runners in the bike lane.

i'm not joking.

Reason #3: Common fucking sense. The english language is screwed up in more ways than I care to count, but some things we got correct. like calling it a sideWALK. or a BIKE LANE. imagine that. a bike lane should have... Bueller... Bueller... BIKES!! and a sidewalk is for people to WALK on the SIDE of the street so they don't get run over by cars, or bikes, or me.

Conclusion: short, sweet, to the point. get the fuck off the road unless you have a motor.